new year

2 01 2007

Ahhhh, back to school.  what a glorious break.  Sean was more content than I have seen him in a very long time to do just nothing.  I loved it.  He had all of last week off and we just slept in a lot, watched a lot of movies, had dinner out several times with friends, when to parties, hosted a New Year’s party, it was wonderful.  Daddy’s finally driving back today and tomorrow, we’ll do Christmas with my family tomorrow night. 

The kids have been pretty mellow so far this morning.  We read my favorite Dr. Suess book, My Many Colored Days and then they made an illustration for their day today.  It went really well.  A nice intro back into the routine.  They’re all fairly exhausted, most of them haven’t had to go to bed at any reasonable time in weeks now and are paying for it this morning.  I know it’s true for me too.  The alarm went off this morning and Sean and I must have each hit snooze 3 times.  Neither of us was particularly amped to be back into reality.  I guess that’s how it goes. 

All right, high/low for the winter holiday season-

High- no particular moment; just being able to spend so much time with Sean that was stress-free.  Maybe at midnight on New Years- sparklers, our friends, new year’s kiss and fireworks, I love it so much. 

Low- Grandma being sick and not having Daddy around really bummed me out a lot.  I was worried about how he and grandpa were dealign with it all, knew that they were having such a hard time with it, then worrying about Mom having to have the holiday and her birthday without Daddy here, it was just hard for everyone to feel festive with that all going on. 


Excerpts from Stop Signs

27 12 2006

by Willie Perdomo


I’m not sure how one is supposed to read the stars unless they’re falling all over you…

If it was up to me, I would grab the ones that shoot across the sky, shak’em hard one time, blow on them for good luck and let them roll, see what they land on…

If you look for rain you will find gold muses in the middle of a rooftop swan dive…

I was ready to leave those dark hallways frozen in yesterday’s rain, but I must leave soon so I wrote this poem because it’s the only place where this love can live.


29 11 2006

We had a really nice Thanksgiving.  Lots of work done around the house, Christmas lights are up and such, started some shopping, some wrapping, etc.  I’m pretty excited about Christmas this year. 

Things are getting better at school.  The kids are really starting to work together well and my attitude problems have gotten better too.  I hate having to call home and tell people that their kids are assholes, but sometimes that’s what you’ve got to do.  Apparently, it’s worked.  LOL< that’s horrible, isn’t it? 


23 10 2006

what a weekend. Sean is slowly killing me lately.  He’s dreadfully unhappy at work, which of course, carries over into the other aspects of our life.  He comes home critical and defensive, not an awesome combination.  It’s as though I can do nothing right lately.  not at school, not at home, I really hope that he just doesn’t realize how horridly he speaks to me lately.  I mean, just constantly critical.  And for someone who’s primary love languages are touch and words of affirmation, this is not working out well for me.  I barely felt as though he liked me this weekend, much less was in love with me. 

How have our parents done it?  How do people last, going through these times where things are hard and everyone is unhappy?  Is it realistic to expect one person to be able to fill our needs for the rest of our lives?  I just don’t know anymore. 

I can’t talk about this to anyone here, Marjie is gone, not coming back until February now.  I don’t know what I’ll do.  And it seems so damn disrespectful to air these thoughts outloud to anyone.  Disrespectful of him, of our marriage, of the things I’m holding tightly to for no apparent reason.  Wow, a little much this morning, huh? 

like it, love it

20 10 2006

Excerpt from John Koethe’s North Point North

“……Let me try once more. I think the saddest moments
Are the ones that also seem most beautiful,
For the nature of a moment is to fade,
Leaving everything unaltered, and the landscape

Where the light fell as it was before.
And time makes poetry from what it takes away,
And the measure of experience
Is not that it be real, but that it last,

And what one knows is simply what one knew,
And what I want is simply what I had.
These are the premises that structure what I feel,

The axioms that govern my imagination…..”


work it out

17 10 2006

I haven’t written in days.  Sean went camping this weekend with a bunch of boys, “Men’s Camping Weekend.”  Friday night I hung out with Jim.  We ordered pizza and watched Closer with Natalie Portman, Jude Law, Julia Roberts, and ….. I can never remember his name….. Clive Owen.  What a crazy movie.  I love it, incredibly smart writing, witty and biting.  So we watched that and then just talked for a while about school and all the craziness there, how much longer we can handle the testing.  I’m so unhappy with the way that I’m teaching this year.  I thought that we would really love switching classes the way we are, but I just don’t have time to do what I want, I don’t have time to build the relationships and trust with the kids that I crave.  They don’t know who I am.  

Friday was an awesome day at school, we had an assembly, which I loved, folk music, so much fun.  Then at recess we just played.  I wasn’t wearing anything that could get messed up and I ran around with the kids while they played soccer.  I miss just being with them and not being worried about what content I’m passing along.  I don’t have time for teachable moments, if something comes up that isn’t on the agenda, I used to be able to talk about it and cut something else short.  But with the way we only have each group for 45 minutes we can’t stop for anything.  I can’t make it up later.  And it’s making me lazy.  It’s easy to do crap four time because I don’t have to develop creative ways to get the material across.  And honestly, by the time we transition, I don’t feel like the kids have time to get settled and creative anyway.  I feel like all day long we’re yelling go go go to the next place, it’s very un-peaceful.  Chaotic and jarring.  
SO, Saturday night I went out with my friend Rusty from high school, he came over and went through all my clothes, picked out an outfit, did my makeup and took me dancing at a few clubs downtown.  it was glorious.  I love him.  So many beautiful gay boys in Richmond.  We had a really good time, pics of prep time on Myspace.  LOL, figures. Church Sunday morning was really good, things to think about.  Then I came home and got stuff done for school.

It’s definitely Fall, I love the way the air is right now, clean and crisp.  It’s phenomenal.  I need to go up in the attic and get all my sweaters and stuff down.  Time to switch out the clothes.  Which makes me a little sad quite honestly.  The cold makes me whiny.


15 10 2006

Church this morning was really interesting. The pastor spoke on Job and how his friends came after all the crap had hit the fan and tried to blame his sudden misfortunes on his behavior. He talked about how as humans, we are constantly looking for a scapegoat of some sort, someone to blame. Not necessarily even for just the bad things, but that we need for things to be explained away, good or bad. I thought this was really profound, that sometimes there aren’t reasons, things just are as they are. Made me wonder about the things that we blame on this or that, what could come of it if we just accepted it for what it was. Made me think of Daddy when I was growing up who taught us that he didn’t necessarily owe us an explanation for things. Sometimes we just had to accept that he was wiser than we and that he was making the right choice. In any case, he talked some of the war and the choices being made there, brought to mind this poem. Enjoy.

Patience by Terry Jacobus

those who love for god

and those who kill for god

expect to land on the same plane as god

dear god, even if you are nothing

hold me tight tonight

breathe me in a womb and hold me to the light

kiss me like the fool kisses for love

take me the way a soul slides through the peaceful door

lead me in a prayer headed for the open heart

when you are ready you will see us all

one spirit at a time

it may take an eternity

but I’ll be patient

it’s worth the wait.