Survival Mode

21 01 2007

Last week was wretched. Too many meetings, too many kids suspended, too many other staff members not minding their own business. I only made it to the gym on Friday, the night that I usually don’t go.

I realized that I’m in survival mode. My own defense mechanisms are kicking in and it’s where my brain is if I’m in that building. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to interact with the other teachers or with the students because it’s the only way my heart can keep going. This job is so emotionally draining, and I don’t know what to do with it all other than to shut it out as much as I can. I’m not interacting with my students as much, they continue to take advantage of any leeway that I give them. I had a four hour IEP meeting Thursday afternoon, the kids were with an instructional assistant and Jim. They were fucking out of control. They can be great, but for the most part, they really just don’t know how to keep it together. I’m so tired up picking them up from somewhere and seeing that look on the teacher’s face.

This week, on Tuesday, Dr. P told me that my entire class wasn’t allowed to go outside because of their behavior in the cafeteria. So they didn’t. They had to stay inside and just sit while the rest of the third grade went out. Then on Wednesday, Dr. P stopped me when I came in to pick them up from lunch. She met me at the door to the cafeteria and said, “You really need to talk to your students about their behavior in the cafeteria. They are horrible and I don’t know what to do with them.” She said it in this condescending way that showed she truly thought that the problem was that I have no expectations, that I must let them do whatever they want and that’s why they are such a behavior problem. Not that someone in the office lumped the most wretched little beasts in the whole grade into one class and gave them all to me. She doesn’t know, this is the only group of kids she’s ever seen me with. I mean, what on earth. But what did she want me do say or do to them that she, the vice principal, couldn’t accomplish? It was like she thought that previously I had told them to do whatever the hell they wanted in the cafeteria, that they didn’t have to behave or something. I feel like the administration is saying, handle it or just send them home.

Neither of these things is working out. I did however, take my completed resume to Chris’. Next step is to really be working on a portfolio to take them in about a month. Hopefully that will all work out. I don’t want to put too much hope there, just in case, but I think I could really do some amazing things with a group of kids who were really motivated. In any case, if this week isn’t better than last, I might just .


my workout inspiration

10 01 2007

  This group of kids is slowly killing my spirit.  I just don’t know what to do.  I’m at the point where I wonder if completely shutting off is what I need to do for my own survival.  As far as my spirit goes anyway.  I have this group of terribly apathetic kids, which I can’t handle.  Apathy is specifically the reason that I did not go into high school.  And I understand that they don’t care, I do, I just don’t know what to do about it.  My usual contagious energy isn’t cutting it with these.  I think I might have told you about the book that I’m reading on how to motivate disruptive and deffiant students, maybe not.  Anyway, at the beginning it discusses reason that the group is like that, the diagnosis for my class?  “Toxic Grouping”  That is the actual term in teh book.  And that’s what it is, this lethal combination of attitude, ignorance, apathy and disrespect towards everything but themselves.  And noteven themselves really, since they cheat like motherfuckers.  My stocking had tiny bottles of liqour in it this year.  Santa must be concerned for my well-being too.    In any case, after two and half hours at the gym last night, abs, step class and then kickboxing as well, I went home and drafted an e-mail to the headmaster of the private school that I observed at before Christmas.  I told him after a tremendous amount of thought and consideration, I’d like to express interest in any positions he might have open next year.  He wrote me back within the hour, which was last night- around 8:30- and told me that he didn’t know until March about definite openings, but to please send my resume soon so that he has it on hand.  I don’t have a resume.  Something to work on over the next couple days. All right, the bell is ringing, I’m going to go, we’ll see how it all goes.