Survival Mode

21 01 2007

Last week was wretched. Too many meetings, too many kids suspended, too many other staff members not minding their own business. I only made it to the gym on Friday, the night that I usually don’t go.

I realized that I’m in survival mode. My own defense mechanisms are kicking in and it’s where my brain is if I’m in that building. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to interact with the other teachers or with the students because it’s the only way my heart can keep going. This job is so emotionally draining, and I don’t know what to do with it all other than to shut it out as much as I can. I’m not interacting with my students as much, they continue to take advantage of any leeway that I give them. I had a four hour IEP meeting Thursday afternoon, the kids were with an instructional assistant and Jim. They were fucking out of control. They can be great, but for the most part, they really just don’t know how to keep it together. I’m so tired up picking them up from somewhere and seeing that look on the teacher’s face.

This week, on Tuesday, Dr. P told me that my entire class wasn’t allowed to go outside because of their behavior in the cafeteria. So they didn’t. They had to stay inside and just sit while the rest of the third grade went out. Then on Wednesday, Dr. P stopped me when I came in to pick them up from lunch. She met me at the door to the cafeteria and said, “You really need to talk to your students about their behavior in the cafeteria. They are horrible and I don’t know what to do with them.” She said it in this condescending way that showed she truly thought that the problem was that I have no expectations, that I must let them do whatever they want and that’s why they are such a behavior problem. Not that someone in the office lumped the most wretched little beasts in the whole grade into one class and gave them all to me. She doesn’t know, this is the only group of kids she’s ever seen me with. I mean, what on earth. But what did she want me do say or do to them that she, the vice principal, couldn’t accomplish? It was like she thought that previously I had told them to do whatever the hell they wanted in the cafeteria, that they didn’t have to behave or something. I feel like the administration is saying, handle it or just send them home.

Neither of these things is working out. I did however, take my completed resume to Chris’. Next step is to really be working on a portfolio to take them in about a month. Hopefully that will all work out. I don’t want to put too much hope there, just in case, but I think I could really do some amazing things with a group of kids who were really motivated. In any case, if this week isn’t better than last, I might just .

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