what do I do when I don’t know what to do?

22 09 2006

North Point North
In these I find my calling:
in the shower, in the mirror, in unconsciousness
hours spent staring at a screen
at artifacts complete unto themselves.
I think of them as self-sufficient worlds
where I can sojourn for a while,
then wake to find the clouds dispersing
and the sidewalks steaming with the
rain that mut have fallen while I stayed inside.
The sun is shining, and the quiet
doubts are answered with more doubts,
for as the years begin to mirror one another
and the diary in the brain implodes,
what filters through the theories on the page
is a kind of settledness, an equilibrium
Between the life I have and what time seemed to hold-
these rooms, these poems, these ordinary streets
that spring to life each summer in an intricate construction
blending failed hopes and present happiness-
which from the outside seems like self-deception. 

There is no end to these reflections,
to their measured music with it’s dying fall
wherin the heart and what it seeks are reconciled.
I live them, and as though in gratitude
they shape my days, fom morning with it’s sweetest smile
until the hour when sleep blows out the candle.
Between, the present falls away,
and for a while the old romance resumes.
Familiar but unrecognized, an undiscovered place
concealed within the confines of this rom, that seems at once a form of feeling and state of grace
prepared for me, written in my name
against a time when time has finally merged
these commonplace surroundings with what lies behind the veil-
Leaving behind at least a version of the truth
composed of what I felt and what i saw aoutside my window
on a summer morning; melding sound and sense,
a music and a mood, together in a hesitant embrace
that makes them equal at the end. 

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